Poetry

I wrote this about 20 years ago and  have since lost interest in poetry. I'm hoping this will spark my interest again.

                                  My Son   Shirley Page

Such a sweet precious little boy
full of love flooding my life with joy
With sparkling mischievous eyes of brown
melts my heart and turns my world upside down

Such happiness he brings to me
This little imp who will soon be three
One day, I know he will be a man
but, for now, he is mine to love as much as I can

I'll watch him grow as years go by
laugh with him and console him when he cries
I'll enjoy his antics and cute little ways
for I know I'll be without him one day

When that day comes, God let me be strong
knowing I've done my best teaching him right from wrong
For the he must stand on his own
with only past experience and knowledge to rely upon

I'll still be here to help him if I can
for even though he's a full grown man
I'll always see him at the age of three
and love between this little imp and me.

                               God's Greatest Gift  Shirley Page

Such a pretty little girl
all dressed up with her hair in curls
looking like an Angel from above
blessed with sunshine, filled with love

So sweet is this child of mine
so gentle, tender and kind.
No words could ever say
the feelings within my heart today

God gave her to me as a treasure
a precious gift beyond measure
A gift of love to cherish my life through
filling my days and keeping my skies blue.

                         My Love    Shirley Page

You are the sun in my life bringing warmth and hope; the moon and stars shining with peace and beauty. The wind caressing my body with gentleness, the sea raging  it's tempest of desire within me.You are the tree I cling to in the storms of despair, the rock that holds me lest I fall when troubles are nigh. You are the very essence of love that eases my troubled thoughts and calms my doubts. This and so much more you are to me. All I ask is your love in return, for without you, there is nothing.

                             On The Beach   Shirley Page

We strolled along the beach
the sun and sand within our reach
the winds were calm, the skies blue
for love surrounded me and you.
 
But then the night came stealing
taking aways love's precious feeling
You left me for someone new,
proving your love for me untrue.

Now I stroll the beach alone
happiness for me has gone
Only memories linger now
of shattered dreams and broken vows.

changes keep happening

The wonderful romance beginning has died. There's another but he is too young. Very handsome, dreamy eyes and beautiful smile but a bit too young. wish he was older  I'd really take him up on his offer.  The first offer was so sweet and I ruined it. I guess I'm still not over James like I thought.  Every time it  came close to the time we'd meet, I'd find some excuse or he would not to meet. Maybe someday that will change but for now, I know it's useless to try.
I have had surgery on my arm for a pinched nerve and it's finally getting back to how supposed to feel. The little finger is still numb but Dr. says that will get better in the next 6 months. Right now, it's getting the scars well. 
I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow but today I am lost, lonely and sad. Maybe that will change in time but I still can't get James off my mind. I feel so lost, and unloved but I know better. I have two wonderful kids and three great grandkids plus a bunch of friends but it's not the same. No one knows that feeling unless they have lost a spouse. You don't spen 30 years with someone and forget in 9 months. Every thing I do reminds me of how we did those  things. I see places we've been and my heart just breaks again. This must be self pity day cause that
is what it sounds like, but I have no one to cheer me in the way James could in just a few minutes.  Well guess that's all for now  Youre probably tired of reading about a pity party. Hope you and yours feels the warmth of someone close and value them while you have them.

update

Well, I'm finally getting used to the idea that I will only see James in my memories. It's time to move on.

I have been approached on  line by a very nice man. He's 56 and divorced for a long while.  I enjoy our chats and we have made plans to meet. Just do not know when. He lives about one and one half hours from me so if and when we meet, it will be in public in a town between our locations.

Talking to him has made feel like a woman again. I have been so lost for so long I needed a friend like him to come my way. There is nothing off limits when we talk and it seems as if I already know him.  I know to be careful when meeting people over the net, but it will be very public when we do.

I'll never forget James, I know that, but maybe moving on will keep it from hurting so much.

Other than that, things are about the same.

 

Update

It's been six months and I am finally getting myself together. I still miss James but I have finally accepted the fact that he is gone and won't be coming back. At least he is at peace.

I have had my grandchildren most of the summer and that has helped alot. Keeps my mind off me and onto something constructive.

I have added a new pet at home and posted pictures to this page but I don't know if you can see him or not. His name is Chico and he is an Italian Greyhound & Chichua mix. He only weighs about 2 lbs but he has a mouth that sounds like a lion.  Having him has helped Brandy, too.She has a playmate and seems really happy until she makes Chico mad, then he attacks her and he's so little he can get to places she can't.

I am doing well and I'm not depressed any longer. The days aren't lasting forever now but I wish they wouldn't go quite so fast.

I will say goodnight now as it is 12:00 am and I'm getting tired. Bless all and take care

update just getting by

Well, it's been three months today since James passed. I was doing pretty well until his birthday on March 30 then it all fell apart. I went to Church and the choir sang "In the Garden"(James favorite) then I went to his aunt's funeral and they played it there also. I tried to apologize to my sister in law and broke completely down.Then when I got home, one of the people who had helped me with James had suddenly died. What a way to celebrate James birth. I guess it finally hit home, he wasn't coming back. I miss him so badly and not a day goes by that I don't cry at least once. I feel so lost. I don't want to go anywhere and don't want to do anything. I sleep most of the time, guess it's my way of coping. I know God is with me and I will break free of the grief in time but I need His strength.

I feel like I don't belong anymore. I know my kids love me and James family cares but it's not the same. I miss James so much. I tried to prepare but I guess you never can completely realize what it's like till you go through it.

Please pray for me.

thanks

Another Week

Well, it's been a week since James died and I am still in a daze. My daughter and neice have tried to keep me busy so I won't fall into a depression. I just feel so lost. Like James is on a trip and will be home at any time but then I realize that's not going to happen. I know he's better off since he suffered for so long and the last three months, was bedridden but I miss him.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. God has held me together since James was placed on Hospice and I know He will get me through this. Just have to keep the Faith

A little about me

My name is Shirley as you can gather and I am a recent widow with two grown kids and their spouses and three grandchildren whom I love dearly.

James and I were married for 30 wonderful years. We had ups and down of course like most couples but we always promised we would not go to bed angry, which we stuck to. Bed time was really when we made our biggest decisions, one of which would be that he would die at home. Sadly, that happened last week. He had heart problems since December 1995 and open heart surgery in July 2001. This time, there was no chance of extending his life so he had been here at home since September 2006. In November of 2007, he was admitted to the hospital to amputate a toe that would not heal. From that time on, he slowly went down. Thank God for Hospice. They were a true blessing and helped up to and including the day he passed away. There were family problems, and I am sorry for that, but, I had promised him he would die at home and his family wanted to put him in a nursing home. After that incident, everything changed and I became the enemy but I was following his wishes which I thought was more important than the family needs. I did let my house go, but I attended to him and slept when I had the chance and someone else was here to listen out for him. Most of the family did not realize that some nights he and I did not sleep at all or it was intermittent. I wish they had and quit blaming me for causing his death. I have been told that because of my filth, he died, that I was on the computer way too much so I must be carrying on with a man. How could I do that when I never left the house but once or twice by myself. The rest of the time someone was with me or I didn't go because I didn't want to leave him here alone. As you see, I am deeply hurt but I am not ashamed of what I did and I have no reason to feel that I was in the wrong or should apologize for something I didn't do.

Forgive me for going on and on about this but it is still fresh and hurts very much. Some of the family are trying to keep things on an even keel and I respect and love them for that, but forgetting will be hard. God says to forgive and I have but it will be awfully hard to forget.