A little about me

My name is Shirley as you can gather and I am a recent widow with two grown kids and their spouses and three grandchildren whom I love dearly.

James and I were married for 30 wonderful years. We had ups and down of course like most couples but we always promised we would not go to bed angry, which we stuck to. Bed time was really when we made our biggest decisions, one of which would be that he would die at home. Sadly, that happened last week. He had heart problems since December 1995 and open heart surgery in July 2001. This time, there was no chance of extending his life so he had been here at home since September 2006. In November of 2007, he was admitted to the hospital to amputate a toe that would not heal. From that time on, he slowly went down. Thank God for Hospice. They were a true blessing and helped up to and including the day he passed away. There were family problems, and I am sorry for that, but, I had promised him he would die at home and his family wanted to put him in a nursing home. After that incident, everything changed and I became the enemy but I was following his wishes which I thought was more important than the family needs. I did let my house go, but I attended to him and slept when I had the chance and someone else was here to listen out for him. Most of the family did not realize that some nights he and I did not sleep at all or it was intermittent. I wish they had and quit blaming me for causing his death. I have been told that because of my filth, he died, that I was on the computer way too much so I must be carrying on with a man. How could I do that when I never left the house but once or twice by myself. The rest of the time someone was with me or I didn't go because I didn't want to leave him here alone. As you see, I am deeply hurt but I am not ashamed of what I did and I have no reason to feel that I was in the wrong or should apologize for something I didn't do.

Forgive me for going on and on about this but it is still fresh and hurts very much. Some of the family are trying to keep things on an even keel and I respect and love them for that, but forgetting will be hard. God says to forgive and I have but it will be awfully hard to forget.